Wed night was particularly bad. As some friends went off to visit family and others I worked quite late at work, then went to my studio to sew. While I got done, once it was empty of studio-mates a deep loneliness hit which simply didn't go away until I finally fell asleep, pretty late.
Today I went to see my family. Many of you know that while I get along with my parents quite well, my sister and brother keep a lot of distance from me and this isn't something I'm happy about. Also NO ONE in my family recognizes me as male - they all use my old name and female pronouns. They simply don't SEE ME at all.
Another thing I may not have said to many people is that my parents happily welcome my sibblings into their home, they feel very at home there, and around holidays both of them stay at my parents house for a few days. My sister arrived there yesterday and will stay until Sunday. My brother has been staying there for a few days now and will for a few more (I don't know exactly). They have Mii's on the family Wii, the dogs respond to their calls, and my brother knows how to use my parents complicated TV systems, computers etc. Both of them know where everything goes in the kitchen.
I... don't. I don't belong there. I'm not allowed to sleep there, I don't feel welcome. When I was with a partner this didn't bother me quite as much, but the thing with the Wii happened the day AFTER Jinx dumped me last year, and it was the start of a very extreme sense that the four of them are a family - one that doesn't include me.
Today was worse. Everyone helped cook - except me. No one asked me to help with dishes - Becca and Jon fought over who would wash them (good naturedly) even as I offered to wash if someone would help me find where things go.
My brother, who's about to turn 27, is finished with grad school and working on some extra coursework to get into med school, acted like a 16 year old macho asshole all day. Maybe he's always been like this and I either didn't notice or wasn't around enough to see it, but he's RUDE. He was really bristly to me, and I got the sense that he straight up doesn't want me around. In fact, there was a sense of competitive machismo about it that made me wonder a little if he isn't trying to prove he's more masculine than me (he definitely is) but I can't be sure.
I tried to talk a little to Mom about my thoughts on life plans - ie stay in school, quit school, get a foster care license, settle with my current job and not try to do better, give up on having kids or a career etc. Her position wasn't very helpful - she continues to think I shouldn't have kids. While this isn't a surprise, it's painful to realize that she'll just never be supportive. To make matters worse Becca chimed in too - saying there's no way someone who's single and "so uneducated" should have a family. "You really need to get a good degree to have a family." Mom also insinuated that she regrets having adopted us - something she's said in other ways before, and I simply don't know how to take that. She feels she gave up having a life to have a family, and it's a hard thing to hear. I want to APOLOGIZE for existing, except that it's completely not my fault, and it's not like I'm even existing because of her - I would have been born anyway! She also said she doesn't feel like she did a very good job as a parent, which FLOORS me. I mean, she has 3 healthy adult children, two with good educations (and me working on mine), none of us are criminals or addicts or even unhappy! What on earth is the goal of parenting if it's not to have your kids grow up to be successful and happy? I KNOW she doesn't see having a family or even marriage as the indicator of success, so I have no idea what she's on about there.
Mom and I also had a disagreement about polyamory again. I REALLY REALLY REALLY wish I'd never come out to her about that. I don't know how it could have been avoided, but she blames everything in my life over it.
So I made her cry during this talk (that's not unusual, but still makes me hurt). And my brother just abandoned the conversation entirely to watch football.
Also, Mom told me that she has a couple of thyroid growths. She's having a biopsy this week, but the idea of her being sick again isn't fun. I'm hoping it's benign and they can take it out without much trouble, but she seems really worried.
Finally, Granny (my mother's mother) is still alive. Her illness is really wearing on Mom. And there's nothing I can do because I'm definitely not allowed to go down there and see her, or help or anything.
I visited Sheryn for a bit afterward, which did make me feel a little better. Sheryn is awesome and I didn't have to pretend to be someone I'm not and that was great.
Then I came home. I originally intended to hang out with BabyCharley this evening but I'm just not up for it so I'm doing laundry and having a drink and maybe I'll watch BSG or play WOW or something.
So yeah.... Thanksgiving. Sucked.
And I have to do it all again around Christmas. Maybe I will just refuse to talk about my life plans and romantic life with my family ever again?